Would the real Ebony please stand up? To be honest with you I don’t think I would recognize who she is if she stood right before me. It’s been so long ago. It’s like how did I get here? How did I become this 44-year-old woman just existing, going through the daily motion of life. On the outside, it seems like I’m great. I have all the things society says will make you happy. I’m married, have children, have a decent paying job, nice house etc. Yet I wake up most mornings giving myself a pep talk that I can go through the motions for another day. I feel like a little part of me was dying inside each day. I was physically present but emotionally checked out. Besides making sure my daughters were happy and having everything they needed with pleasant experiences and memories, I didn’t care about anything else.
It took me awhile to admit and come to grips with this, but I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for the past 22 years. It was ROUGH. Sometimes Hell on earth. It didn’t start off bad at first. I got a job right after college and moved to another state. He came along with me. So, we lived together for about 5 months before we got married. We were already engaged. Those few months were great. Once we got married, it was like a light switch was turned on and everything turned into a “job.” Suddenly it was my job to do everything. If anything wasn’t done perfectly then I was a bad wife. I could do something this week it was fine, but next it was not. So, in my efforts to try to prove that I am a “good wife” I would always try to figure out what I am doing wrong and how to make things better, but it was a cycle of dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. I knew something was wrong, but you think it’s normal and gets better with time. When I sought out advice, I would hear: “The first year of marriage is rough because you are getting adjusted to living together”. Then the first 3yrs can be rough, then the first 7yrs can be hard because you have greater responsibilities- house children etc. After a while, I’m asking myself “When does it ever get better?” As years pass, you don’t know what to do so you end up overthinking and second guessing EVERYTHING. You feel stuck as what do. There have been times where I may have forgotten something from the store, and I have frantically run back to get it because I just didn’t want the drama that would happen when he came home and realized I forgot. For the average person if you forget something it’s not a big deal you just get it the time you go out. Not in my marriage, if I forget to do or get something, it is going to be followed with resentment and my husband saying that somehow, I forgot it on purpose because I am against him and I don’t care about him. This is followed by his usual statement of “And you wonder why I treat you the way that I do. You are the worse wife ever. I wished I never got married.” Then he goes on about how he is sick of me. He has even told me that I have no value. Hearing this all the time became exhausting. I felt like I needed to always defend myself and state my case that I do love him and do have his back and whatever I did was not some malice attempt but me being human. By the time I realized that I may need to get out of this marriage I had my first daughter. Of course, after that time I felt the need to stay so my children could grow up in a two-parent household. Things didn’t get better. Now when there is a disagreement or problem then he adds that I’m a bad wife and mom. If anything goes wrong or something happens to him, someway somehow it was my fault. He lost his job. It’s my fault. He messed up something he was trying to fix. It’s my fault because I didn’t come quickly enough. It could be anything. I was even accused of cheating on him because my youngest daughter was not dark skin like him and she has a peanut allergy smh.
The breaking point for me was infidelity. Once again it was all my fault. If only I did this or that etc. then he would be happy and not cheat on me. This never-ending cycle of trying to do things to make him happy and have peace in the home was just draining my soul. I started having heart palpitations and chest discomfort. I would wake up just feeling unwell. I’ll never forget one Saturday morning; our neighborhood was having a yard sale. I normally walk the dog around the block. My husband stated he was going to join me so I can see what the neighbors have. The next-door neighbor started talking to him which lasted a long time. I told him I’ll do a short walk around block and then I come back to get him and we can walk further around the subdivision. When I came back, he was furious with me stating his usual rant that he is sick of me because I did that and it’s little things like this is why he cheats on me. As the infidelity continued, our relationship continued to suffer. I tried having conversations with him that things wasn’t working out. I’m being neglected and disrespected. On one of our last conversations, I was pouring my heart out to him in tears sharing about how he was making me feel and he just laugh at me and ask, “Are you done?” Then went on to another random topic. The way he laughed and dismissed me was so devastating. One night as I lay there looking out into the dark room crying, I was like this is not living. I’m with someone who literally doesn’t care about me. So, I decided to leave. When I told him I was leaving in the next 30-60 days he told me I can’t make it on my own and good luck finding someone who would want me. Every day I would pack a box. I put some in my closet and some I left in corner of room. He was so wrapped up in his own world that he didn’t notice the boxes. He didn’t notice anything until the day I left.
As of the time of this writing it has been a little over 3 months since I left. Of course, he wants to reconcile. While I have hope for reconciliation my focus is on me. I’m focusing on unpacking the hurt and pain as well as changing these limiting beliefs and habits and I have developed from this experience. My grandmother died in her late 90s and the elders in my family or in their mid-80s- vibrant and strong. I have those good longevity genes inside of me. I figure I have about another 40+years of life to live and I don’t want to spend it being miserable. I’m looking forward to what the future holds for me. It is my hope that as I what out this journey, other women will see that it’s not too late to turn their life around and live the life they desire.
